Peter Kelly’s X20 is an incredibly talented kitchen, housed in a sleek, beautiful location, and continuously undermined by its (mis)management. Saturday night was a prime example of how not to make your guests feel welcome and destroy their good will through the application of shrewd marketing.

First, make getting a reservation harder than it needs to be. Open Table should have at least some tables available for an ordinary Saturday night two weeks prior – or why bother listing with them at all? OK, so making a phone call isn’t difficult, and it gives one the opportunity to request a table on the first floor on the north side – and allows the restaurant to confirm your preferences directly.

Second, when the guests’ guests arrive, don’t honor the request. Instead, seat them in a claustrophobic room with no view and a traffic pattern that makes the landing approaches at O’Hare look empty. (Lest you think I’m being picky, we had EXACTLY the same experience on Thanksgiving – but because our fellow diners had not yet arrived, we were willing to insist on a better table even though it meant waiting an additional half hour.)

Third, make sure there are at least three parties of eight or more in the room, and, assigning your least experienced staff, make sure there are no more than 4 servers and a captain present. When your guests have been made as uncomfortable as possible (by closely following the steps outlined above), don’t come around and ask them about cocktails and/or wine until they’ve had time to fully appreciate your lack of concern (about 20 minutes). When asked “What single malts are available?” respond, “I don’t know.” and offer to find a menu. Wait another few minutes until one slightly sticky, lightly soiled menu is available before presenting it along with the dinner menus. Immediately dash off because the biggest table in the room is being presented with its birthday cake.

Fortunately the male, who was hosting the dinner for his offspring’s 35th birthday, is able to maintain complete calm in the face of ineptitude – so we didn’t have to make our way back to the valet parking and then go look for another venue at the last minute. Even more fortunate was the kitchen’s extraordinary ability make everyone forget about everything except the food. Had not the male’s cool head not prevailed, we would have missed out on a truly exceptional meal.

The bay scallops appetizer served in a light, beautifully airy vol-au-vent pastry shell with an gently scented cream sauce successfully pressed my reset button. An elegant, lightly dressed baby romaine salad tickled Milady’s palate with the crispy lettuce and a counterpoint of silken, but properly garlicky, Caeser dressing. The butternut squash bisque looked, and smelled delicious; just a hint of nutmeg dusting its surface. The Doctor (no, not that Doctor) skipped the appetizer and concentrated on one of X2O’s signature dishes, a pan roasted breast of Hudson Valley chicken, with braised fennel served over an apple and barley risotto. The combination gave off a delightful perfume of sweet and slightly sharp that quite literally made my mouth water. The rest of the table all opted for one of the evening’s special offerings. Roast venison with itsy bitsy brussel sprouts and spaetzle – an incredible combination of crunchy greens with crispy bacon smoothed with an almost creamy-textured spaetzle and picture perfect slices of venison. The saltiness of the bacon played well against the sweet meat. The 2009 Williamette Valley Pinot Noir chosen by humans had rounded tannins, gorgeous color and enough body to hold its own with the full flavors of the meal. It rounded out the four part harmony (meat, vegetable, starch and wine) I think the kitchen makes a consistent effort to present, perfectly.

The desserts were outstanding creations. The chocolate praline tart was a work of art. Its honey ice cream and accompanying Florentine were just the right sticky-sweetness. The pistachio dariole tasted of pistachioes and whipped cream, wrapped with a dark chocolate shell. The Doctor refrained from indulging in dessert, but her coffee was fragrant and hot. The decaf cappucinoes for the rest of the table were appropriate to the standard of the rest of the food and happily well above the standard of the service.

Would I recommend the humans return? On the one talon the food was heavenly. On the other, the entire concept of the upstairs should be recycled – perhaps reserving the space solely for large parties and attendant staff looking for large tips based on party hosts who are out to impress their guests with the concept, not its execution. Yes, I want to go back – but I’ll stick closer to the kitchen.